03 Jun Postpartum: Blindsided part 3
I was so sad. I had a wonderful husband, two beautiful babies and I couldn’t enjoy them. I wanted to get better desperately. My anxiety was palpable, but one thing I did know was that exercise was a part of the old me that could help the new me.
We had determined that I would pump full time, so Isla could have breastmilk. So I did. She was doing well, getting nice fat cheeks and thighs. So all of that work paid off. Why didn’t I feel better? Anxiety is a very debilitating thing, it can take over your life.
My fear became so overwhelming that I was afraid to leave the house, so I wouldn’t unless I absolutely had to. I was arguing a lot with my husband because he didn’t understand what was happening. I knew what was happening to me wasn’t normal. I have always been a very social, happy, upbeat person. Where was I? Would this affect my girls? I didn’t want them to be afraid- to grow up with these anxieties. My doctors all wanted me to start taking medication, but I had anxiety about that as well.
I made the decision to work toward getting better. I increased my exercise, this was always something I loved, that made me feel good. I started seeing a counselor that I liked and trusted, that helped me to see what was happening and how to handle the moments of overwhelming anxiety. I started to work with my functional medicine doctor on any supplements or meds that would help. My husband, once he understood what I had going on, really supported me in doing what I needed to do to get better. It is still a work in progress. It has been almost a year and half since Isla was born. I still have times of the overwhelm- cutting the tip of my finger off and having surgery, when I stopped breastfeeding and had another hormonal shift. But I feel as though I have the tools and support to work through those times.
I know also that starting my own business during such a crazy time in my life may seem a bit nuts. But my desire to help moms navigate this chapter and feel supported with whatever they may be going through has become my mission-my passion. Exercise can help you feel so much stronger in every way.
Thank you for listening to my story. I won’t say this is my final installment as working through this is a work in progress. I hope this helps other moms to know they are not alone, whether it is from a diagnosis of pelvic organ prolapse or PPD/PPA. I am here. I will leave you with the message that I wrote in one of my counseling sessions directed at anxiety.
Anxiety. FUCK YOU! I refuse to let you rule my life. I refuse to allow you to suck the joy and happiness from me and my family. The darkness that you and your companion depression bring have no place here. So FUCK OFF!